I am filled with compassion and sadness as I read your letter. I feel your pain and helplessness as you struggle to make sense of your life. I read your entry several times and have been praying for you before offering my own counsel and response to what I read. There are several places in your entry that help me understand you just a little and they help me with your struggle. You talked about swimming where you twist and turn getting lost in lack of gravity. You also talked about getting lost under water because of a massive wave. For me this is a metaphor about the other difficulties you describe.

You are right when you say sin is a distraction. It is certainly a distraction but it id more. Sin and Satan distort the good teachings of our Lord. It tells you that you cannot trust in God to guide you. Sin and Satan show you your faults and tell you this is what you are and who you are. The Lord claimed you as God's own. The Lord claims you as more than what is obviously. God claims you as a wonderful and precious child of God. Satan focuses on what is wrong with you. The Lord fills you with what is good and right. God has given you power and authority over Satan. Satan is a liar, a thief and a killer. Satan cannot build you up and will always seek you destruction. Your Lord Jesus will always build you up and has claimed as one being worth saving. If you had been the only one in need of a Savior Jesus would still have come.

I also see you relationship with your husband as you describe it. A mirage is something not real. For a marriage relationship to grow there must be honesty. You say that you have fun together. You love him, you love making love and  you love the closeness. Is this true? If you cannot deal with the troubling things inside the marriage how can this be true? Aren't you afraid that your husband will find out that there are issues? If he finds out that your marriage is a "mirage" will that not hurt him and you more?

Your heart is for God. God is faithful and will certainly give you more than you need. God is a  God of more than enough but you and I must do our part. Our part is to trust and then act on the trust. Jesus died for you. He certainly cares about you and he cares about your struggle.
You wrote that you need answers. Ignoring any of this will not make it go away. The beginning of your healing is with the Lord but you must let the Lord heal you. This is accomplished by turning away form Satan's lies and clinging to the truth the Lord offers. God will most certainly tell you to be honest with you husband.

 I will keeping praying for you.